Nothing New to Report

Today I am 9w2d or 10w1d, depending on if you go by my FET date or the due date they gave me at my dating scan.  Either way, nothing new to report.

I had some spotting on Friday, just brown.  It went away quickly and I'm convinced it is from progesterone either irritating my lady parts, or I inserted it too high.  I'm been inserting it less deep since and haven't had any more spotting.

My next doctors appt isn't until July 9th, when I will be either 10w4d or 11w3d.  I'm really nervous because that will be the ultrasound that tells me if I'm still pregnant, if there is still cardiac activity, if the baby is growing as he/she should.  I'm so fearful about this appointment and freak out every minute that I don't feel pregnant.  I feel like if I can get past that appointment, I will finally start to let myself "be" pregnant and won't qualify every statement or feeling with "if I stay pregnant".

Late Bloomer

Either I jinxed myself by saying how great I felt, or I'm a late bloomer.  About 3am I got hit with the worst nausea and headache of my life.  I didn't vomit, but I couldn't move.  I finally dragged myself into work but I'm still feeling horrible and have a major headache.  I am counting down the minutes until 5pm.

I am stopping at Walgreens to get some vitamin B6 and unisom.  Apparently, the combo is supposed to help nausea.  Let's hope it helps my headache too.  I have been checking my sugar and that isn't too high, so that is good news.

Rhogam

I had some brown spotting yesterday. Most likely caused by the transvaginal ultrasound I had on Friday. However, because I am rh factor negative (blood type b-), my doctor wanted me to get a rhogam shot as a precaution. 

So I went to the lab today and they had to type my blood and then I got the shot. Pretty anticlimactic but I'm glad that my doctor thought to have me do it. 

In other news, I am so bloated that I look 6 months pregnant. :)

Outstanding!

Heartbeat of 124!  Baby is measuring 6 days behind what I thought but my uterus is also tilted pretty badly and the tech had a hard time getting a good measurement. Doctor said congrats and isn't worried one bit. I kept asking her if it was ok because I know exactly when I got pregnant and she told me to stop stressing. 

I'm going to take her advice and enjoy being pregnant. 

Here is Baby Moreau. 

Tomorrow

Follow up ultra sound tomorrow. I'm nervous but I feel so pregnant that I'm trying to be hopeful. 

The fact that tomorrow is Friday the 13th and there is a full moon. In Brian's belief those are lucky things. Fingers crossed. 

Hanging in there...

Two days until we learn our fate.  I'm so scared of another miscarriage, but this pregnancy feels so different from the others.  I hope it's not just in my head.  I want this baby so badly, and I am already so in love.  It would be devastating to have to say goodbye.

Just once, I am hoping I get a happy ending.

Spotting

Had a scare last night when I wiped and there was some pink and brown spotting. I assumed it was the beginning of the end. Bri ran to the store to get maxi pads and I only spotted a little overnight and when I inserted the progesterone there was just a little brown on the applicator. I am thinking it's from the progesterone.  Either way, going to do bed rest this weekend. Lucky for me there is an Indiana Jones marathon on tv, so at least I've got something good to watch. 

Bad Day

I lost my shit quite a few times today at work.  I had to go into the bathroom and compose myself.  This sucks.  Plus, I'm more nauseous than ever, so it's like my body is saying "ha ha" and adding insult to injury.

I just want to go home and pull the covers up over my head and sleep the entire weekend, but I'm going to make myself do stuff.

I wish I could drink because I would get ripping drunk tonight.

Lovely Dream

Dreamt we had a baby girl last night. It was magical. I could feel her in my arms and smell her baby-ness.  I didn't want to wake up. 

I am so sad. I don't want to live a life without being a mom. How do I?  I just want to die. 

Failure

Started off today feeling good but now I'm just really feeling like a failure. I don't think I'm ever going to be a mom and it makes me sad and I wonder what my purpose in life is or if I even have one. 

No Fetal Pole

Ultrasound showed a gestational sac and yolk sac but no fetal pole. The doctor was pretty hopeful that it's just too early, so I'm going to go with that until I know differently. 

Next u/s is on June 13th. Hoping to see my rainbow hearts beating away. 

Feeling down but not out. I'm still hoping this is our rainbow. 

10,645.4

That is my beta from my draw last night.  Doubling time of 69 hours.  Which, according to this chart is right on track.  Hoping for good news today.  

Tomorrow

1pm tomorrow is my ultrasound. This is to see if the pregnancy is viable. I am so nervous. I can't focus. Bri is convinced everything is okay so he won't play my "what if" games but with all the losses, it's hard for me not to be stressed. 

I'm going to bed early and am just going to hope the universe is on my side.