18 weeks 4 days

Had my routine OB check up today.  Jude's heartbeat is a healthy 146.  He is located halfway between my belly button and my pubic bone, exactly where he should be.

My blood pressure is still on the high side, so my dose has been increased.  Same with my pm insulin.

Other than that, everything looks great.  I didn't gain any weight since the last appointment.

I love Dr. London.  He told me my aura had great energy.  Awesome!

Next appointment is on the 8th.  In just a few days.  It's our level 2 anatomy scan where we make sure that Jude has all his parts.  Brian is coming for it.  Very exciting.  I'm going to let myself really enjoy being pregnant after that scan.

Hippopotamus

Feeling huge and uncomfortable today. The humid and hot weather doesn't help. 

150bpm

Got to hear Jude today. Love listening to him. His heartbeat is strong and 150bpm

Had a meltdown in the OBs office. My sugars are still high and so is my bp. My doctor, who I love, gave me a pep talk and told me to start enjoying my pregnancy. We are through the high risk part, it's time to celebrate. Then he gave me a hug. 

My foot is swollen again today but hopefully when my bp gets more in line it will get better. 

But I got to hear my baby boy, so it was still a good day. 

First Purchase

I was surfing on Ebay, as I'm known to do and came across a lot of baby boy clothes, size 0 to 3 for winter.  All the items are super cute and I got a good price, so I guess I've officially made my first purchase for Jude.

Hoping I haven't jinxed myself.  But, at 16 weeks, I'm feeling pretty good about things.  OB appt this week, and I will get to hear my baby boy.

Cankles

The swelling has started. By the end of the day my ankles have disappeared. I'm laying here with them propped up right now. Maybe I'm not drinking enough water. 

Introducing... Blanca Moreau

We traded in Haddie for a more family-friendly vehicle.  It's a 2011 Chevy Traverse.  It is set up perfectly for Jude, Max and Lucy, so we are happy with the switch.  Will take some getting used to, as it certainly drives differently than Haddie.

I'm a giant mommy fail today.  I let Max go too long between grooms and he has to get shaved because he's so matted.  I know his hair will grow back soon and he couldn't care less, but still, I feel like a loser.

On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday and I'm off at 2pm.

161

Jude's heart is beating strong at 161 beats per minute!  Yay.  So happy to hear my sweet baby boy.  I love him so much already.  A great day.

On the bad side...  first pregnancy related yeast infection has arrived.  Boo.  Thankfully, diflucan is safe to take in the second trimester.  Phew.  Relief shall be here soon.

T minus 90 minutes

Until my OB appointment.  Full on panic has set in.  I'm really starting to sweat and have a racing heart.

Fingers and toes and everything else is crossed for a healthy heartbeat.

Appointment Anxiety

Have an OB appointment tomorrow. It's a short weight, pee in a cup, bp, sugar check and Doppler appt but I'm a wreck.  Before each of these I'm just so afraid that Jude will be gone. I just need to hear that sweet heartbeat and know my baby boy is still there.  I'm giant so there is no reason to think anything is wrong but with my history, I can't help big worry. 

I'm off the progesterone completely now and haven't had any spotting, which is great news. I'm going to ask my OB if we should check my progesterone levels. I'm almost off the prednisone. I am taking 2.5mg every other day. I will stop taking that this weekend.  

Please universe. Let me hear my baby boys' heartbeat strong and healthy. Please. 

Craving = Popcorn

I don't know why. 

Creative Burst + Boredom = New Facebook Cover

Love this!

Second Trimester

We made it to the second trimester. That's a huge deal. I don't want to jinx it but I'm feeling good about our chances of bringing Jude home in January.

Suppositories = Done

As of today, I am off the progesterone suppositories.  I am still taking the PIO injections for another week.  I am so nervous about not taking progesterone.  I keep running to the bathroom to look for spotting.  I'm carrying around 200mg of progesterone with me, so if I should start spotting, I will insert one right away.

So far, it looks like the placenta is doing its job.  Fingers crossed.

Pregnancy Craving = Crab

Today I am craving crab legs.  So Bri has agreed to make them for me. 

He is so awesome. 

NT Scan

All is great!  NT was 1.7, which is totally perfect. So far, so good. 

Jude is measuring perfectly and his heart was beating 152 bpm. He was moving around and wouldn't cooperate with the u/s tech. That's my boy!

So in love with him. 

Headaches from Hell

So, it turns out that at the end of your first trimester, it's common to get headaches. Painful, debilitating headaches. 

I have so much to do today to get ready for Linda's visit on Weds and I can't get my head off the pillow. 

Bri is doing my laundry for me. He is so awesome. 

Jude Gregory Moreau

We found out today we are having a boy. So happy.

The best part is that there are no chromosomal abnormalities. 

I cried when I got the phone call. We went public today on Facebook. I told my boss. It's such a wonderful day. This baby is so loved already.

Our announcement:

Sweet Sounds

Had an OB appointment today.  Pretty standard, weight, urine sample, blood pressure check and a review of my blood sugars.

Plus....  got to hear the heartbeat on the doppler!  It was a strong, healthy 165 beats per minute.  Exactly where it should be.  It was the most incredible sound.  First time ever hearing it.  I'm in love.

My blood pressure continues to be a little high, so the doctor is putting me on meds as a precaution.  I'm okay with that.  I'd rather get it under control now.

NT ultrasound is scheduled for the 24th.  Linda will be in town, so she can come.  Yay!  Plus, I'm still waiting for the results of the MaternT21 tests.  Within a week, we will know if we are having a boy or girl.

Amazing.  All of it.  Truly Amazing.

Crying

I have reached the stage where I cry over everything for no reason.  Tonight I started crying as I talked to Brian about dinner.

It's crazy. I'm not a crier. Usually. I guess I am now. 

Heartbeat of 175 and on track.

Such relief. The ultrasound went awesome today. On track and heartbeat of 175. Had blood drawn for the Maternit21 test. We will know in about 10 days if we have low risk of trisomy and if we are having a boy or a girl. So excited. Bri and I think boy but just want a healthy baby. 

Got my step down plan for prednisone / estradial / progesterone. 

Stop estradiol at 12 weeks

PROGESTERONE

12 weeks - 400 at night

Keep shots at same level

13 weeks - no suppositories if okay 

14 weeks - no injections if okay

If spotting or cramping take 200 suppository. 

PREDNISONE - 

12 weeks reduce to 5mg a day

13 weeks reduce to 2.5mg a day

14 weeks skip every other day

15 weeks off

My a1c was 7.2 which is good but I need to do more sticks and keep a log. She increased my insulin to get it lower. 

It's a great day. 

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow at 2:30 is my ultrasound. I'm so nervous. I want to see the baby but am scared to death that he's not in there anymore. Brian is coming with me. I hope we get to share a great experience. 

Questions for the MFM are:

- when can I stop progesterone and estradiol?

- when can we do the blood draw for Harmony?

- should I take something for my blood pressure?

- if I do the Harmony do I still need the quad and NT screen?

- I need a rx to get free prenatal from Meier. 

Fingers crossed. 

Next Appointment

Have my first appointment with the MFM on Weds. That is the high risk dr. It will be my first us since the dating one. I'm nervous that there is no more baby. I still feel pregnant and have a growing belly, but the fear is real nonetheless. Bri wants to go with me. I'm hoping we have a great appointment and see our baby wiggling around. I'm also hoping they move my date back up to my original due date. That will put me closer to the end of the first trimester. They should draw my blood for the Harmony test. Once we get those results, we will announce to the world. I can't wait. 

Nothing New to Report

Today I am 9w2d or 10w1d, depending on if you go by my FET date or the due date they gave me at my dating scan.  Either way, nothing new to report.

I had some spotting on Friday, just brown.  It went away quickly and I'm convinced it is from progesterone either irritating my lady parts, or I inserted it too high.  I'm been inserting it less deep since and haven't had any more spotting.

My next doctors appt isn't until July 9th, when I will be either 10w4d or 11w3d.  I'm really nervous because that will be the ultrasound that tells me if I'm still pregnant, if there is still cardiac activity, if the baby is growing as he/she should.  I'm so fearful about this appointment and freak out every minute that I don't feel pregnant.  I feel like if I can get past that appointment, I will finally start to let myself "be" pregnant and won't qualify every statement or feeling with "if I stay pregnant".

Late Bloomer

Either I jinxed myself by saying how great I felt, or I'm a late bloomer.  About 3am I got hit with the worst nausea and headache of my life.  I didn't vomit, but I couldn't move.  I finally dragged myself into work but I'm still feeling horrible and have a major headache.  I am counting down the minutes until 5pm.

I am stopping at Walgreens to get some vitamin B6 and unisom.  Apparently, the combo is supposed to help nausea.  Let's hope it helps my headache too.  I have been checking my sugar and that isn't too high, so that is good news.

Rhogam

I had some brown spotting yesterday. Most likely caused by the transvaginal ultrasound I had on Friday. However, because I am rh factor negative (blood type b-), my doctor wanted me to get a rhogam shot as a precaution. 

So I went to the lab today and they had to type my blood and then I got the shot. Pretty anticlimactic but I'm glad that my doctor thought to have me do it. 

In other news, I am so bloated that I look 6 months pregnant. :)

Outstanding!

Heartbeat of 124!  Baby is measuring 6 days behind what I thought but my uterus is also tilted pretty badly and the tech had a hard time getting a good measurement. Doctor said congrats and isn't worried one bit. I kept asking her if it was ok because I know exactly when I got pregnant and she told me to stop stressing. 

I'm going to take her advice and enjoy being pregnant. 

Here is Baby Moreau. 

Tomorrow

Follow up ultra sound tomorrow. I'm nervous but I feel so pregnant that I'm trying to be hopeful. 

The fact that tomorrow is Friday the 13th and there is a full moon. In Brian's belief those are lucky things. Fingers crossed. 

Hanging in there...

Two days until we learn our fate.  I'm so scared of another miscarriage, but this pregnancy feels so different from the others.  I hope it's not just in my head.  I want this baby so badly, and I am already so in love.  It would be devastating to have to say goodbye.

Just once, I am hoping I get a happy ending.

Spotting

Had a scare last night when I wiped and there was some pink and brown spotting. I assumed it was the beginning of the end. Bri ran to the store to get maxi pads and I only spotted a little overnight and when I inserted the progesterone there was just a little brown on the applicator. I am thinking it's from the progesterone.  Either way, going to do bed rest this weekend. Lucky for me there is an Indiana Jones marathon on tv, so at least I've got something good to watch. 

Bad Day

I lost my shit quite a few times today at work.  I had to go into the bathroom and compose myself.  This sucks.  Plus, I'm more nauseous than ever, so it's like my body is saying "ha ha" and adding insult to injury.

I just want to go home and pull the covers up over my head and sleep the entire weekend, but I'm going to make myself do stuff.

I wish I could drink because I would get ripping drunk tonight.

Lovely Dream

Dreamt we had a baby girl last night. It was magical. I could feel her in my arms and smell her baby-ness.  I didn't want to wake up. 

I am so sad. I don't want to live a life without being a mom. How do I?  I just want to die. 

Failure

Started off today feeling good but now I'm just really feeling like a failure. I don't think I'm ever going to be a mom and it makes me sad and I wonder what my purpose in life is or if I even have one. 

No Fetal Pole

Ultrasound showed a gestational sac and yolk sac but no fetal pole. The doctor was pretty hopeful that it's just too early, so I'm going to go with that until I know differently. 

Next u/s is on June 13th. Hoping to see my rainbow hearts beating away. 

Feeling down but not out. I'm still hoping this is our rainbow. 

10,645.4

That is my beta from my draw last night.  Doubling time of 69 hours.  Which, according to this chart is right on track.  Hoping for good news today.  

Tomorrow

1pm tomorrow is my ultrasound. This is to see if the pregnancy is viable. I am so nervous. I can't focus. Bri is convinced everything is okay so he won't play my "what if" games but with all the losses, it's hard for me not to be stressed. 

I'm going to bed early and am just going to hope the universe is on my side. 

5w6d Exhaustion

This time feels so much different than the others. I'm so tired all the time. No morning sickness yet but the last couple of days the nausea has kicked in. 

Hoping this is all a good sign. 

1817.8!

Holy Shit!  My beta today came in at 1817.8!  That is a doubling time of 37 hours.  So excited and happy.  No more beta draws for me.  My progesterone is a little low at 12.70, but because I'm taking 700 mg/day of progesterone suppositories, my RE told me not to worry because that's enough to sustain a pregnancy.  We are going to increase my PIO (progesterone in oil) injections from 1 cc/day to 1.5cc/day.

Next stop is my viability ultra sound on June 4th.  I will be 6w3d.  Hoping to see a heartbeat.  That is when we will find out if there is one baby Moreau or two.  I think one.

Today is a good day and I'm going to give myself permission to enjoy it.

Progression!

I've now made it farther than with my three chemical pregnancies.   Third beta draw tomorrow. Hoping it's my last. 

Feeling ill today. Haven't thrown up with my stomach feels off.  Maybe that's a good sign. 

Still Pregnant

Took this today with no hold. I'm still pregnant and my hcg has increased since Weds. That's good news. I have one FRER left. I'm going to take it on Monday. 

121.5

Second draw results are in....  121.5 means I exactly doubled in 48 hours.  They like to see it double in 48 to 72 hours, so I will take it!

This was a big milestone for me because my last three bfp's, the second draw either showed a decrease, or it didn't increase enough, in other words...  chemical.  However, this time was different.  This time my body did what it is supposed to do.

Next draw is on Tuesday.  The goal is 960.  Actually, the goal is >1,000 so I don't have to have any more beta draws until my OB orders them.

I'm planning to enjoy my weekend.  The new X-Men movie comes out and Bri and I have a movie date on Saturday afternoon.

For now, I am pregnant.  Right now, I am exactly where I should be in the process.

Snuggle in there, my sweet rainbow.

Prayers from a friend...

The below was a message I got from a friend today.  It made my heart smile. 

Okay okay. I know you're not a religious person so when I tell you all of this just replace God with universe. :)

Anyway, last year after I lost the quads, a bird built a nest and laid four eggs in my bathroom window. I became obsessed with these birds as if they were my lost babies. I watched them every day. I had a dream they hatched and Lo and behold, they were hatched the next day. On bereaved Mother's Day. To me, that was God speaking to me. Telling me new life was coming. Old Indian folklore says "when feathers appear, angels are near". I was pregnant two months later with Miles. 

Well, momma bird came back and just laid her eggs! There were only three and I was weirdly bummed. But I still thought it was neat she came back. Anyway, I spent some time in prayer after you announced your beta today and I went to check on the eggs and there are now four!!!! There were three just yesterday and the days before. Then I got to thinking. The eggs showed up the day you announced your bfp and the fourth appeared on beta day! I pray so hard these baby birds are yours this year and you get the baby you so deserve. Please know I want this so badly for you and am rooting you and your baby/babies on!!!!

11dp5dt

Today's test, 3rd pee of the day with no hold.   Hoping this is good news for tomorrow's beta. 

60.3!

All we needed was to be >50 and we are at 60.3.  First hurdle crossed.  Very cautiously optimistic.  I haven't tested again because I have no tests in the house and Bri is telling me to stop.  Nancy, the nurse from ORM told me the exact same thing when she called me with my results.  I guess I will listen to them, but at some point, when we are >1,000, I'm going to do a digital.  I just need to see those words "Pregnant".

I have my second draw on Wednesday.  our goal is 125!  Fingers, toes, eyes and hair crossed.

Beta tomorrow

Here is today's test. Definitely getting darker. I'm so nervous about the beta tomorrow that I could just crawl into bed and hide. They will want it >50, I'm not sure it will be. Last time was 126 but it was on the way down so, hopefully, even if it's lower, it's on the way up.   I'm not doing more than two draws. 

If I get a good number tomorrow, I will call and make an appointment with the MFM. 

FPL at 5dp5dt

Let's see how this goes. Please be my rainbow baby. Please. 

PUPO

FET went well. Slight hiccup before the procedure, in that was bladder wasn't full, even though I drank the 20oz of water as they told me. So, for 30 minutes in the FET room, I had to pound water to get my bladder to fill so they could see everything on the u/s. 

We transferred 2 blasts. One was a hatched grade 1 and the other a hatching grade 2. I don't know what that means, but they told me they were wonderful quality. 

So now, we wait. I'm on bed rest for yesterday and today.  Lucy is sticking close, as bed is her fave place in the world. 

Getting Closer

We are just a few days away from our FET. Bri admitted he was nervous. I am too. 

Please let this be our rainbow(s).

1dpo and Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I am 1dpo, since on Friday, we will transfer two 5 day old frosties. Crazy to think about. 

It's also my 43rd birthday. Yay me. Hoping for the best birthday gift in the world. 

And, it's Cinco de Mayo!  Ole. 

The Home Stretch

Started progesterone in oil shots today. This next week has a very complicated med schedule. Every day is different. 

Hopeful Estimated Due Date of January 25, 2015

Just got the call and our FET is on May 9th!  So excited.  My lining was 9.4 and triple stripe, which means its ready to accept those embryos.

Making hotel reservations now.  It will be a nice overnight trip for Brian and I.

Please let this bring us our rainbow(s).

Ugh.

Freaking out about tomorrow. So scared my lining is going to be thin.  Afraid this will be the one time that anything on my body is thin. 

Nerves and such...

So this week, On Tuesday, my FET fate is determined. I have my lining check at 8am. Please, please, please let my lining be where it needs to be. 

Fingers and toes are crossed. 

E2 = So far, so good

Traveled to Dallas for work this week.  Got back late last night and had to go in for a blood draw first thing to make sure my E2 numbers were where they needed to be.  ORM wanted it to be between 200 to 1000 and my level was 504.  Great news!  So, I continue my E2 shots and lupron, with my next and final hurdle on Tuesday, when I get my lining checked.

I'm exhausted from traveling and I don't sleep well in hotels.  Looking forward to a gin & tonic (or two) this evening, and then I'm going to sleep in tomorrow.  Which, with Max and Lucy means that I will sleep until 7am.

Great picture of the Dallas skyline to commemorate my work trip.

Suppression Acheived

Got my E2 results back and they want it under 80 and I under 20.  So, I took my estradiol valerate shot this am, given to me by the always awesome Brian, and am now taking those on Monday and Thursday.

I'm travelling to Dallas tomorrow, so I will have to shoot myself on Thursday.  I'm nervous.

We signed our Thawing document tonight, which tells the lab to thaw 2.  We had to get it notarized, and the UPS Store wasn't far from Leo's, so that meant $.50 wing night for us!

Feeling very hopeful.

Stat!

Went and had my E2 drawn today at Sparrow. Surprisingly, they already Dr Williams in their system so the results will be sent today. They were marked stat. 

Max had to go get his rabies booster today at the vet. He did so good. I love him so much. 

Bri and I took Max and Lucy to the park when I got home and they are both so exhausted right now. Totally crashed. 

Tonight is pot roast and roasted potatoes. I also bought a Pepperidge Farm Coconut Cake because it reminded me of my Grandmother Mancuso. 

Easter is tomorrow. :)

Murphy's Law

Just when I was beginning to think I was going to be doing my FET without getting my period, guess who shows up.  Aunt Flo!

I'm glad that she showed up and it makes me feel better about proceeding.  Getting my E2 labs drawn tomorrow and expect to start E2 injections on Monday.

Things are looking good for a May 9th transfer.  Fingers crossed.

Suppressed, Already?

Still no AF or signs of it. Talked to the nurse at ORM and she said I might just be suppressed already. I'm going to get my E2 drawn on Saturday and if it shows that I'm suppressed, I will start E2 injections on Monday and start building my lining without worrying about getting a period. 

I guess it's possible that three weeks of bcp suppressed me to such a point that there is no lining to shed.  

Different than last time, when I had spotting the whole cycle and got my period three days after the last pill! but maybe different is good. 

Should know more on Monday. Fingers crossed. 

Parsley Tea and Me

No AF yet. Fucking bitch. I steeped and drank some parsley tea. Hoping that works. 

Waiting on A Friend

Usually, I hoping and praying that my period doesn't come.  Right now, I'm hoping for it to show ASAP.  I really want it to show tomorrow.  I want to get this show on the road.  I'm anxious and restless  and really want to have my FET on May 9th 

9 or 16?

Took my last bcp today. If my period starts soon, our FET will be May 9th. If it doesn't start by Thursday, it will be May 16th. 

Hoping for the 9th because of my work schedule, but excited either way. 

Yay. 

Lupron Starts!

This morning I took my first lupron shot. I will take it for four weeks. I also reviewed all the info in the packet that ORM sent. It was familiar but I had forgotten some of the timing.

I'm waiting to hear back from my OB office to see if they can do my blood work and u/s. I'm hoping to avoid Dr Gago because it's so far away and she wants to charge $350 for monitoring. My insurance covers the cost of the u/s and b/w, so she's charging that just to fax over the results.  Ridiculous. Hopefully, my ob can do it. 

Lazy Sunday today. Laundry is the plan. I kind of what to go to the diner for breakfast but Bri wants an Irish coffee so we are going to go to Beggers Banquet and I will have a $2 Bloody Mary. 

The weather is beautiful out. Finally, Spring has Sprung. :)

P.S.  Lucy is my shadow all the time. This is her right now, with the sun streaming in the window.

Ready, set, go!

Got my calendar today. Transfer is either May 9th or 16th. Hoping for the 9th because I have a major event at work on the 17th, but if our FET is on the 16th, I already told Kasa I wouldn't be able to lift anything heavy. 

Aetna got my meds approved. Lupron ships tomorrow. $20 co pay. I start my lupron shots on Sunday. 

Got my day 3 results back. FSH is 9.9. It sounded high to me but the nurse told me it's perfect for my age. 

Really excited. Went to Longhorn to celebrate. Lamb chops for me and trout for Bri. We brought our leftovers home and Max and Lucy had surf and turf. <3

Consent Given and Consult Over

Today, Brian and I drove down to Columbus, Ohio for our FET consult and to sign our consent forms. It's less than 4 hours from our house, so it became a fun little day trip. Aside from some wind, and the fact that Bri is an angry driver, it's been a relaxing day.  I am typing this post somewhere between Toledo and Ann Arbor. We should be back in Lansing by 6. 

Before the appointment, we went to Melt, which is situated in a neighborhood that reminded us both of Portland. I had the Korean BBQ war pig sandwich. It was yummy. But huge. I still have a half of sandwich to eat when I get home. 

FET is paid for. Antibiotics start tomorrow. Tentative Date for FET is May 9th. Yay!  The nurses are mailing my calendar to me and calling in my meds to Aetna. 

Took this picture of the building where our babysicles are living right now. Wave!

I feel like I'm in a much better place this round. Hopefully, we will have a better outcome. :)

PS - I'm dying for a Starbucks. Hopefully, we run across one soon. 

Round Two...

Wow!  A lot has happened since I last posted on this blog.

As you can guess from the lack of posts, we were not successful with our FET.  We ended up with a chemical pregnancy (our 2nd in a row) and took a break from TTC for about 6 months.

In that 6 months, we moved to Lansing, MI so that I could start a new job with a great new company.  Over the summer, I had a hysteroscopy, which showed I had some scar tissue and remaining "products of pregnancy" from my miscarriage and d&c in June of 2012, all of which I had removed through an outpatient hysteroscopy.

We tried another injectables/IUI cycle following that procedure and had another chemical pregnancy in October 2013 (3rd in a row / 4th loss overall).  We had RPL testing and it didn't show much, except one mutation of MTHFR, low vitamin D, and potential clotting problems.  So, I'm now on extra folate, baby aspirin and taking prednisone following ovulation.

With all of that said...  it's time to do another FET and this is the cycle we are doing it (hopefully).  Coincidentally, cd 1 of this cycle is the 1 year anniversary of my last FET.  Maybe that's good news, maybe its a bad omen, or maybe it doesn't mean a damn thing.  Who knows.

Today is cd3.  I start bcp today and have to get my cd3 blood work done.  We are heading to Columbus, OH on Friday to have our consult and get our protocol and estimated transfer date.  Based on last time, it should be May 2nd, May 9th or May 16th.  Columbus is now just under a 4 hour drive for us, so the logistics of this FET are going to be much easier to navigate. We are going to transfer 2, which will leave us with 2 babysicles still in deep freeze.

Hoping this FET brings our rainbow(s).  We are nearing the end of our journey and are counting on one of these four embabies to stick.